Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Here's an idea, Hollywood: COME UP WITH SOMETHING ORIGINAL!!!

I'm sick of all these remakes coming out these days. Has Hollywood run out of new ideas to put to the silver screen? Or maybe they just forgot how to be original period. I'm sure I can name off 20 remakes without killing any brain cells straining to think of one. Lets see...

Don't have Sparkles play me.

The latest rumor (sacrilege) is Robert 'Sparkles' Pattinson to play Indiana Jones. For my reaction to that news, click here. Sparkles should play Indiana Jones as much as Morgan Freeman should play the token black guy in the next Scary Movie.

Last House on the Left: The original was one of the most graphic, violent, and disturbing movies I've ever seen. After watching the remake, the original is STILL one of the most graphic, violent, and disturbing movies I've ever seen. The remake didn't come close. It was no different than any of these other dime a dozen horror films that have come out over the last 15 years or so.

A Nightmare on Elm Street gave me nightmares...Nightmares of just how bad the damn movie is. The worst Elm Street sequel was #5. And that was much better than the remake.

Freddy vs Fredrick. Fight to the death, no time limit. Who wins?
The Amityville Horror: There have been so many bad remakes of this movie, its unbelievable. However, only one of the remakes has the same name. Catch my drift?

Spiderman: I will admit that the reboot is better than the first trilogy with Toby McGuire. But still...It hasn't even been 15 years since the first one, let alone the last one. Was a reboot this soon really necessary?

Friday the 13th: See A Nightmare on Elm Street.

JJ Abrams's Star Trek: Horrible. They are good fun movies, but they are not Star Trek. They might as well have called the movies something else. I'll likely do a review on everything wrong with them when the next movie comes out. And, while I did enjoy both of them, it was strictly from an entertainment standpoint.

Al Gore called me.
The Day the Earth Stood Still: The original was about how war was going to destroy us all, so Klaatu was going to just do it for us. The remake is essentially the same, except Klaatu is going to destroy is because of global warming. Puhleeeeze!

Clash of the Titans: The original is a timeless classic. The remake seems like they tried to combine the original movie, and The Odyssey. Why?

Evil Dead: I actually liked that one. As far as remakes go, this one was pretty good. But still, you have to ask what was the point? It was a mirror image of the original, but with a female version of Ash. Ashley? 

I pity the fool who
paid to see this movie!
The A Team: They flew a tank. And, no Mr T. And, they flew a tank. Did I mention they flew a tank? Oh, and they flew a tank.

The Wicker Man: I thought the original was slow, boring, and anti-climactic. The remake? Even more so. However, lots of people seem to agree with my take on the remake even though they disagree with it for the original.

Death Race: The original, Death Race 2000 is a cult classic. The remake takes place on a prison island, as a virtual reality show. No real element of danger to the public which was the shock value of the original film.

Footloose: I'm sorry. It just didn't work with today's pop culture. The original is a classic, but the thought of something like that happening in today's world is idiotic.

Psycho: See Friday the 13th.

Halloween: Nothing like taking the hero of the original film and turning her into an unbearable bitch who you WANT to get killed.

Red Dawn: North Korea invades us? Riiight. No wonder Kim Jong Un is so emboldened lately. He probably thinks that the movie is actual news United States news footage from when his uncle was in charge.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Just how many remakes of this movie do we need? And they get worse and worse each time, and flop harder and harder each time. But, rest assured that within the next 10 years, there will be yet another remake of this movie.

I like fishies! Got any fishies?
Godzilla: And I'm talking about the 1998 Matthew Broderick abomination, not the new one which I haven't seen yet. However, I am cautiously optimistic about that one, even though I am a classic Godzilla fan. This new one looks good, and I will be reviewing it once I see it. This 1998 film was horrible. In fact, the real Godzilla fought it and killed it in about 10 seconds flat. The alien who summoned Broderick's Zilla said this after Godzilla whipped it: "I knew that tuna-eating lizard was useless!"

If you call me a cylon, I will ask you politely not to do it again!

Robocop: What was the point? The originals were all rated R, and were extremely violent. They were actual commentaries on America at that time in what was popular. A robot Dirty Harry! This 'kinder, gentler' Robocop rated PG-13 doesn't deliver.

There you go. 20. However, here's several more just to prove the point. Conan the Barbarian, Carrie, Fright Night, The Karate Kid, and Planet of the Apes. 

If you remake me, my friends and I will
pay you a visit.
Since they've ruined remade Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween, and Psycho, is it just a matter of time before we see a Hellraiser remake? My point here is 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it!' However, Hollywood's seems to be 'If it's just fine, ruin it with special effects!' And, if Hollywood can't come up with an original concept, these super hero movies with various comic book characters seems to work. There's a LOT to choose from. Also, why not adapt more books to movies? Most of the Stephen King movies have been pretty good. Dean Koontz has many books to choose from as well. There are so many great authors out there. So, why not use them if Hollywood can't come up with a story that hasn't been done before? Is it a money issue? Surely paying royalties would be less expensive than spending millions of dollars on a remake, only to have it flop at the box office? Just something to think about.

And there are rumors of remakes coming for Jaws, Jurassic Park, Scarface, Highlander, The Birds, ET, A Clockwork Orange, The Crow, ANOTHER Conan movie, It, The Neverending Story, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Ghostbusters, and more. A friend of mine posted this on Facebook, and I agree with her: "I'm convinced that Hollywood is on a mission to butcher every single thing from the' 80s, and will not rest until those of us who grew up with these films have our childhood memories completely ruined."

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