Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Movie Review: Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark

Really. Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark. That's the latest mega___vs___ movie that Asylum Films has come up with. And, normally, I wouldn't be reviewing one of these movies, because its accepted that they are cheesy, cheaply made, and lots of times, flat out ridiculous. But, they are usually entertaining. For example, in Sharknado, there is a scene where a shark swirling around in a tornado eats a man who is also caught in the tornado in one bite. It swallows him whole. That's funny! Don't even try to say that it isn't.

But, this movie fails miserably on many levels. I was expecting something similar to MechaGodzilla, which is undoubtedly where the inspiration came from, but there is no similarity to any of the Godzilla movies, with the exception of why the 'mecha' was built in the first place. But, that's where any similarity ends.


Basically, a Megalodon shark (40 to 60 feet long in real life) survived all these years, and TWO prior Mega Shark vs ___ movies, and awakened in present day time, and begins wreaking havoc. So, the government constructs a huge mechanical shark to combat it. Both, over 200 feet long. So, enter Christopher Judge, (Teal'c from the Stargate SG1 series) his wife, Rosie, and a computer that has its own personality, and is quite the flirt apparently. Rosie pilots Mecha Shark to do battle with the Megalodon. And, that's where this movie starts its downhill plunge...and we're only 5 minutes into the film at this point.

Incompetence, thy name is
As I mentioned, these movies are by definition cheesy, but the writers of this one were just plain lazy. For example, Mecha Shark is basically just a submarine that looks like a shark, but it was built to fight the shark. In fact, a sub was destroyed by the shark because all it did was launch torpedoes at it. (remember that) Yet Mecha Shark doesn't fight the shark. All it does is launch torpedoes at it, and when Mega actually does attack it, Mega wins hands down. So, Mecha seems to be a waste of time and resources. The only thing worse than the concept of Mecha was Rosie's ability to pilot it. She misses constantly with the torpedoes, but manages to sink a US battleship instead. (Yes, I said battleship.) She also manages to get the Mecha pinned at the bottom of a trench, where the talking computer does something that magically blasts the rocks away in a matter of seconds.

So, those issues I listed are bad enough, but they don't even scratch the surface. Mega leaps out of the water, and destroys an aircraft carrier, and several other Navy ships. And, an oil rig, which causes a spill like the one in 2010 in the Gulf of Mexico. The one redeeming thing that Rosie does is to use Mecha to kink the pipe to stop the leak..as laughable is that is. But, we haven't gotten to the most ridiculous parts yet. The shark is trying to get to Sydney Australia to find a mate, as explained by Doctor Debbie Gibson, who reprises her role as Doctor Emma McNeil. Basically, the good doctor says that if the shark gets there, and doesn't find a mate, its going to become very aggressive. Didn't she say that in the first film? Anyway, lets see...At this point, it has killed thousands of people, destroyed multiple ships, including an aircraft carrier, and an oil rig. How much MORE aggressive could it get?

Once it gets to Sydney, it gets even worse. The military begins evacuating the entire city. Why? I'm not sure, but later, it becomes a good idea. Mega grabs Mecha and flings it a mile onto land. Guess it was a good idea to evacuate, but they had NO idea that was going to happen. Now, comes the part where the movie jumps the shark. (See what I did there?) Mecha is lying on its side, when all of a sudden, it sprouts tank tracks, and flips itself over, and begins rolling through the city. Mecha has gone rogue! It begins its trek of terror through the city, when Professor Debbie comes up with another great idea. Get Mecha back to the water and let Mega take it out. They work on that idea for a few minutes, when Judge has a brainstorm. The aircraft carrier was attacked because it was emitting frequencies which "pissed mega off." So, they board Mecha, and get it to emit those same frequencies. Mecha still has one torpedo left, and they decide to get Mega to attract Mecha and then have the torpedo detonate. Finally, Judge finds a motorcycle, and gets Mecha's attention and leads it back to the water, (after doing a huge jump that propelled him a good 5 stories into the air, and lands perfectly) But, disaster strikes. Military F22s show up, and blast Mecha with ONE missile which knocks the 200 foot, and who knows how many ton Mecha 50 feet into the air, and over 200 yards through the air, and into the water. That was lucky, right?
I'm leaving on a shark plane....

Mecha, still emitting those frequencies attracts Mega. We see none of this, but it happens. Mega bites Mecha apparently right on the location of the torpedo tube, and detonates the torpedo. We hear a loud explosion, and in the trademark ending of these movies, blood and guts splatter all over everything. The End.

So, torpedoes don't work on Mega if fired by a submarine, which is why they had to build Mecha, in order to fight it, which it doesn't, until the end of the movie, where Mega whips its ass. But, torpedoes don't work, unless they are bitten. Lucky Mega just happened to find the right place to bite a 6 foot long torpedo, on a 200 foot mechanical shark!

Like I said, I usually like these movies, but this one was so bad that it makes me think it may be time to hang up the entire Mega___vs___ format. This one was beyond bad. The writers didn't even try on this one. There is a scene where the shark jumps a mile up to try to snag a jet from the sky, but Mecha
also jumps up, and knocks it away. Quite a few scenes seemed like a rehash of several other films. In fact, the movie poster is even a rehash of the second film in Asylum's series, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus.  The first movie of course was Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.

Do yourself a favor and avoid this one, even if you are a fan of these movies. The first two were really enjoyable. Cheesy, but fun and enjoyable. But, I honestly felt insulted after watching it. Did Asylum really think that nobody would notice all the rehash from other films??? There is a difference between making these bad, yet enjoyable films, and what they did with Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark. If you can't come up with something original, or at very least entertaining, you should probably quit.

One word to the SyFy Channel, since they will likely be showing this movie very soon...If you need something new, contact me. I have something that not only YOU will like, but the sci fi fans will like too. Its been a while since the network has had a good sci fi series, hasn't it?

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