Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Years Eve is Amateur Hour.

Happy New Year!
Every year, people go out to New Years Eve parties at bars, homes, etc. And every year, lots of people get to start the new year in a jail cell for DUI, or worse...They get into wrecks and die, or kill someone else.

There is a reason why New Years Eve is worse than other holidays like Halloween, or even Super Bowl Sunday. Its because New Years Eve is amateur hour. Many people who do not drink, or don't drink excessively go out on New Years Eve, and drink excessively because New Years Eve is even more of a drinking holiday than St Patricks Day, or Super Bowl Sunday. Drinking is the point of this holiday. So, all these non drinkers or mild drinkers go out and get schnockered, and they assume they can drive. It isn't the alcoholics who are the extremely dangerous people behind the wheel. It isn't right, and I'm not condoning it, but the alcoholics and heavy regular drinkers who do drink and drive probably do it all the time. They don't get caught because A) they can handle their alcohol and B) They are good at it. But when you get these people who don't drink regularly behind the wheel, and its the chase scene from The Blues Brothers.

Am I driving ok?

A good friend of mine, Christopher Long was in a band called 'Dead Serios' back in the day. They had a song that I remember well called 'Designated Driver.' Some of the lyrics are:
Boozing! Cruising! Racing through the parking lot!
Belly up to the bar, a nice cold beer would hit the spot.
I can see you getting loaded. Hope you don't plan to drive.
I'm like you, I'm out there too, and I want to make it home alive
If you've had a few too many and you're blowing .15
I'll be the designated driver!
My car ain't too pretty but you'll make it home alive
I'll be the designated driver
Don't be the proud guy, try thinking of the other guy
If you ever lost someone you love,
You wouldn't be asking why.
How many more lives we gonna lose?
Its up to me, its up to you,
Its a point we're gonna prove!
It is pointless and dumb to drink and drive, and on New Years Eve, it isn't even necessary. You can get home safe even if you spent all your money. AAA is offering FREE TOWING to anyone, whether you're a AAA member or not. So, unless you're just incredibly freaking stupid, there's no excuse for drinking and driving on New Years Eve, and if you do, and get a DUI or worse, then you are an idiot, who deserves everything that happens to you.

Write that number down!
But, unfortunately, there are alot of idiots out there. There will be DUIs and deaths tonight.

Still, even WITH a designated driver, or a free tow from AAA, you are not safe. Even a sober person can't control the driving of a drunk idiot amateur who decided to drive. Sadly, its usually not the drunk driver who gets killed or seriously injured. Its usually the person they hit who gets that honor.

Also, there are check points everywhere. Don't think that you will turn around if you see one. You do that, and you'll find out just how fast a cop can get into a car and right on you. What do you think those police cars parked on the side of the road are for?

Like I said, its pretty dumb to drink and drive, with the free rides and tows being offered by AAA. But if you are still determined to prove your manliness by drinking and driving, there is something else you can get for free. I'm not talking about the free bed and food in jail either. Anyone who has had a DUI will tell you that there's nothing free about that. No, I'm talking about a free coffin! In 2009, a funeral parlor in Georgia offered a free funeral to anyone who would come in, and sign a form stating that they planned to drink and drive on New Years Eve if they died that night. 

Free to a dead drunk!

 That was 2009, but I'm sure they would honor it if you called and asked. I think the victim should be the one who gets a free funeral though. Funerals can cost as much as a DUI, so how fair is it that the family of an innocent sober person who gets killed by a drunk driver not only loses a loved one, but gets stuck with a bill for thousands of dollars because of a drunk idiot?

That is precisely why I stay in on New Years Eve. I haven't been out on New Years Eve since 2004, with the exception of 2007. I lived close enough to a bar that I could walk there and back. So, stay in on New Years Eve. There is no reason to endanger yourself. No reason to endanger others, and no reason to risk starting the new year in the hospital, jail, or morgue. Leave Amateur Hour to the idiots.

And to conclude my little PSA, just remember one thing, whether you go out, stay in, or whatever you do...Use a condom. There is a reason why there are so many Virgos born each year. What's 9 months from Christmas and New Year? Late August and early September. People get hammered and get knocked up. The result? VIRGOS! Not that Virgos are a bad thing. We are awesome! The world could use more of us! But an unexpected pregnancy will make the cost of a DUI look like the cost of a beer at the bar over the course of the kid's life.

So, enough of my yacking. Have a happy and safe New Years, and I hope the next year will be good for you.    


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