Monday, November 11, 2013

A Bad Movie You Gotta See: Rock N Roll Nightmare

This is a movie that is just so bad that you just have to see it. Rock N roll Nightmare is an obscure cult classic that has a certain appeal, and falls into an 'Awesomely Horrible' category.

Keep in mind, this is not a hatchet piece. Also, keep in mind while reading that while it is a bad movie, I did joy it enough to recommend it to everyone. So, here we go:

Released in 1987, Rock N Roll Nightmare, also known as The Edge of Hell is a campy, straight to video Canadian movie, starring Jon Mikl Thor, a Canadian pro bodybuilder/ cult heavy metal singer. 


The movie starts out in a house with a family getting ready for their day. Suddenly, the mother is murdered by some creature that comes out of the oven. The little son is traumatized. Although, we don't see the attack, or whatever happens to her. 

Next, we see Jon Mikl Thor, aka John Triton: Singer of the heavy metal band, Triton in a van, on his way to the house. Seems Triton has rented the house for 5 weeks to record their new album in privacy and seclusion...But, they brought girlfriends, and one of the members who had just gotten married brought his new wife. In fact, the wife said she can't think of a better honeymoon than spending 5 weeks with the band....What the??? Anyone who is married knows that if you suggested 5 weeks with your buddies as your honeymoon, your wife would be seeking an annulment the same day. Anyway, back to the van. It must have driven from Orlando to Ontario because the scene was long enough to make that drive.

Are we there yet??
The band pulls up to the house, and starts unloading. Jon Triton tells everyone to get settled in, and they would rehearse in 2 hours. Note that when they arrived, they were wearing every day clothes, yet when they begin rehearsing, they are wearing clothes like you'd expect to see them on stage wearing. Most band members I know of don't wear gig clothes while practicing. They dress for comfort because the practice space is either blazing hot or ice cold. Yet, we see Triton dressed up like they were opening for Bon Jovi, and Jon Triton looks like David Lee Roth on steroids. And, we get to hear their next hit, ' We Live to Rock' in its entirety...although, during the song, the music becomes distorted as if to signal that something bad was about to happen, then gets back to normal. Then, we see the first sign of trouble...A cyclops looking oven mitt like thing that is clearly a hand puppet sneaks up to the band's manager's drink, and hocks something invisible into it. The manager doesn't notice. He drinks it, and goes about his business. 

I resent the oven mitt strerotype.
Its hurtful. We do NOT look like
oven mitts.
The band finishes their song, and the drummer breaks a drumstick, and starts complaining that he doesn't have any more. What kind of drummer doesn't have backup drumsticks?

Next, we have to assume that one of the little monsters got one of the girlfriends too because she heads off the manager, and starts to seduce him, and we get the first boobie shot of the movie. The manager caves in, and they start making out. Then, the girl turns into a monster and we are led to believe that she eats him. Although, when they notice he is gone, they assume that he went into town to get more midnight.
Gimme some sugar, baby!

In bed at midnight? And you call yourselves
Rock n Roll??
Then, in true rock and roll fashion, the band and girlfriends all go night night. I'm sure some Rock N Royalty would have something to say about that. But, there to preserve the band's reputation, a carload of groupies show up at 2AM. The only one awake is the possessed manager who we assumed was dead. He lets them in, and starts rambling on about how they need to do their duties and show the boobies. The groupies run off. This movie does no favors to preserving the continuity of the legendary and infamous debauchery of bands like Kiss, etc. Why do I keep including Kiss in this review? This is why. But, Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park is not even in the awesomely horrible category. Its just horrible.

The next day, most of the band and girlfriends are possessed. All but Triton, the female keyboardist, guitarist, and two of the girlfriends. His and the drummer's. The drummer and his girlfriend go outside, and start getting it on. She takes her top off, and the drummer starts to strip too. All of a sudden, a hand comes out of his stomach, and grabs the girl's boob. She starts screaming, and Triton's girlfriend hears it, and Triton laughs it off as just sexual noises.

I never knew Mark Hamill was in an
Exorcist spinoff!
 This happens while we see the female keyboard player and the guitarist  in a 5 minute sex scene with no nudity at all. Then, we see Triton and his  girlfriend in a 3 minute shower scene with nudity including the required  ass shot of body builder, Mikl Thor. Then, we see the keyboard and  guitar players getting dressed, when all of a sudden, the kid from the  beginning of the film sticks his head in, and leads them out into the barn.  The guitarist and keyboardist go to follow him, and the kid becomes a  monster and kills them. Then, its back to the shower scene for another  minute or two!

By that time, the singer and his girlfriend are the only ones left. They go out into the barn, and Triton concludes that the rest of the crew must have gone into town for the day since they put all the equipment away. So, Triton and his -Wait...WHAT???? The equipment got put away? The band members didn't put it away. They were too busy getting killed! So, the monster must have put all the equipment away after killing everyone. How nice of him!

And now for...The TWIST!!!!

We find out that Triton is not a man. He is an archangel sent to defeat Satan in an epic battle, and that none of the people who were killed or possessed were actually there. They were all illusions that Triton created to lure out Satan. In fact, Satan somehow possessed the illusion of Triton's girlfriend. Triton was wearing more stage clothes because he had just finished jamming with the band and demonic doubles of people who were never there to begin with. It did happen. They played Energy.

But then, Satan himself shows up and Triton
magically changes clothes..He is wearing nothing other than black underwear with chrome studs, boots, and lots of hairspray, body oil, and makeup that just magically appears on him...Oh..He has a cape too.

Doesn't the little monster thing with the gray hair kind of look like Bill Clinton?

Of course, we all knew that Since Mikl Thor is a pro bodybuilder, a show off scene was inevitable. But, we just had no idea how scary it would be. And, Satan looks like a prop you might find at one of those Halloween spirit stores that open up in October. And, it fights like one too. First, it throws a couple Quadopi (octopus with 4 tentacles?) at him and he struggles with them in a flex fest. Finally, he dispatches them, and moves on to Satan, where they have an epic game of push and shove. Triton finally flexes out a victory, and the world is safe from Beelzeprop. Next, we see a suburban neighborhood, and the movie ends.

....or does it?

what do you mean I'm a prop???
While writing this review, I learned that in 2005, Jon Mikl Thor made a sequel to this movie! Intercessor: Another Rock N Roll Nightmare Maybe I'll watch it and review it sometime next year.

You know....The twist kind of brought a question to mind...If everything there was a made up illusion, what was Triton doing during the shower scenes? UGH!!!

You gotta see this movie. Like I said, it was horribly awesome, and lots of cornball campy fun. I imagine it would be even better with some beer and buddies. I give this movie 4 out of 5 cornballs, which is a very good rating for a bad movie! So, Netflix it, order it, buy it or rent it! Here's a link to the high definition DVD release. So, get it, and enjoy!!!

I'm Bill Clinton, and I recommend this movie. Even though my cameo
was very brief, and I didn't get to have sex in it, the movie still kicks ass.

No comments:

Post a Comment