Wednesday, September 4, 2013

I know how large corporations can pay more.

That's right. I know a guaranteed way that corporations can pay their middle class employees more money...and it won't even raise their payroll. Want to know the secret? I'd tell you but I have to refer you to the 'Department of Unsolicited Messages Bid And Solid Solutions' (DUMBASS) and they will have to approve me telling you, then send your request to the 'Message Office Replies Of Necessity' (MORON) and once they deem it a necessary, they send it to the 'Department Of Linking Transfer' (DOLT) who then forwards it back to me. So, once I get permission from the required channels, and the permission forms are all documented and verified by my boss, his boss, and his boss's boss, you can expect to hear my secret in about 3 months.

Well, in true corporate fashion, I will tell you in a bit. First, I'm going to tell you a few stories of experiences I've had recently and in the past. By the time I'm done, I probably won't even have to tell you my idea, but I will anyway.

A few years back, I was a property manager for a company that 'offered storage to the public.' I had never seen so many layers of unnecessary brass before in my life. They had people who's job it was to travel around the country and appraise the safety awareness of everyone working there. Sounds good, right? All this person (who made triple what I was making, plus got paid to see the country) did was show up, go through your 'safety manual' (which was nothing but monthly printouts of common sense safety crap that any 5 year old would know...and they never changed year to year. They were always the same with a different little smiley face or something like that so they knew you printed it) to make sure it was up to date, then they would ask you what the monthly safety topic was on the monthly printout that never changed, and to conclude their visit, they would ask you to demonstrate the proper way to open a roll up door. They were there literally 5 minutes tops, and they never found anything bad or out of order. I called another store in a different part of the company with a different safety manager and was told that they did the exact same thing there. How can I apply for that job? And, why did the DM come around and do those things when there was a department specifically for that?

At least twice a year, there would be an email from corporate HQ, saying to welcome the new employees of the new 'Department Of Nothing Other Than Handling Insignificant Numeric Goods' (DONOTHING) and how glad they were to have them on board. Then, a week later, another email from HQ talking about how the bonuses had been "restructured." (cut to pay for DONOTHING)

My wife has worked for the same company for 7 years. She has transferred the job to 3 different cities, and has been asked to go to other stores that needed help. The company's payroll department after getting W4s from her when we moved to a different state was always backwards because of a chain of people that had to handle that information. When she went to help another store, she was paid gas mileage. The check they cut for that had to be approved by the store manager of the store she was at, then to the DM, then to the RM, then the VP of the company, then forwarded to the payroll department. As a result, her mileage was sent to a previous address. This happened twice. Another time, we moved, and her paycheck was sent to the previous store. That happened twice. Once, they credited the money to a CLOSED BANK ACCOUNT! She tried to get that straightened out, and they said they would send a check. Once again, sent to a previous location. Every one of these transactions had to go through 3 different people before they went to the department where it needed to go.

This next story was the inspiration for this post. I have over the years delivered pizza as a second job. Before moving to North Carolina last month, I worked for a chain for a year and a half as a second job. I worked for a franchise store. I gave them a month notice when we left, and left on very good terms, and was definitely rehire-able. I went to a location near our new place, thinking I could grab a job quickly and have some fast income coming in while I found a real job since we were in a much bigger city. I was WRONG. Seems the location I went to was a corporate store, not a franchise store. It had only been a matter of 3 weeks since I worked for the franchise store, yet I had to interview, then go to a 2 hour orientation, and they had to submit my information to a department who's sole responsibility is to determine if previous employees are eligible for rehire. You'd think a DM could just pick up the phone, and call the previous manager, but you would be wrong. So, I jumped through hoops for a week, and it finally come back that since working for the franchise store, I had not gone on a crime spree, and gotten a DUI or two. So, I was hired. Next step was the orientation. I was told that it only was once a week with the orientation manager. That is all that guy does. He goes from city to city telling people how to deliver pizza and work there.

The orientation day was Tuesday. It WAS scheduled for 6, and this was the only day I could do it. We have a 3 year old, and my wife was scheduled to work that night, so she changed her schedule so I could do it. No problem. Then, I got a phone call from the place, saying the orientation had been moved to 5:00. I told them that my wife had changed her schedule, and I would have to be a few minutes late. They said it was ok. So, I got there at 5:15. The 'orientation manager' was there with a group of new hires, and he had no idea who I was. I told him, and he looked in his books, and informed me that I was scheduled for NEXT week. I told him what had happened, and told him that I was there now. He asked me if I had my orientation paperwork. I knew nothing of orientation paperwork. No one said anything about it. He apologized, and said he couldn't help me. I told him that I had been working for them for a year and a half, and I didn't understand all this red tape. He snidely told me that I worked for a franchise store, and not a corporate store, and corporate stores do things much differently, and screen their employees much deeper, and I would have to learn to do things the "right way."

I told him that there was a reason that franchise stores do better than corporate. For example, I was a top driver at the franchise, and would work whenever needed, and they weren't thrilled to lose me. But, because of the stupidity of the corporate store, I would not be back. I'd go to a competitor if I haven't found a job in the next couple weeks. So, they lost out on a top employee just because the corporation has to have all these DONOTHINGs with a novel sized rule book.

So, I'm sure you have a pretty good idea what my idea is by now. Its simple. Get rid of all these stupid and unnecessary departments, and you can pay your employees more! You know what? Production would go up too because the employees wouldn't have 5 different people breathing down their necks to complete one simple task. 

This goes out to all DONOTHINGs: 


Seriously, corporations...Get rid of all those layers of upper management, and give the money you pay them to the people who make you all the money...Your ground level employees. When did an 'orientation manager' ever make a DIME for your company? Never?

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