Sunday, September 8, 2013

8 Types of Football Fans That Suck!

In honor of FOOTBALL SEASON starting, I figured I'd do a write up on the people who go out of their way to make life more interesting in a bad way for the rest of us sports fans. Today's blog post is a list of fans that you do not want to be..or know for that matter. And if you are one or more of these people, please make a change. Your friends will be very grateful.


The Fantasy Football Freak. He's the guy who goes to sports bars with NFL Sunday Ticket not to watch any one game in particular. He's there to watch the players on his fantasy football team. He will run from screen to screen, asking people about his fantasy players. Friend or stranger, he doesn't care. You can be minding your own business watching YOUR team, and this guy will run up to you, and demand to know how your team's QB, RB, WR, etc are doing. Or, he will tell you that he hopes your team loses because your team member is on his fantasy opponent's team. These idiots are easy to spot. They are in the sports bar with papers and pens...and of course, no girlfriend...or friends at all for that matter, unless its another Fantasy Freak. These pathetic football fans actually think that everyone around them cares about what their fantasy football team is doing. Its crazy! In fact, I would bet that alot of these freaks were Dungeons and Dragons freaks when they were younger. If you like fantasy football, but do NOT do this type of thing, than you are not a fantasy football freak.

The Upper Level Diehard. He's the guy sitting in the seats next to the roof who is painted, shirtless, drunk and loud, demanding that everyone around him get up. The team could be down 31-3, but he's still insisting that his crowd noise will help the team out. There is a place for this in the stadium. Usually the lower level end zone and corners, where the groups like The Black Hole in Oakland, The Dog Pound in Cleveland, or The Deep End in Miami are. But not in the top row of the stadium! This guy probably is not a season ticket holder. He probably doesn't get to go to games very often, so he is overly excited. You can almost give him a pass, but he still sucks.

Overly Sentimental Guy. He's the guy who at the sports bar/tailgate/or at the game will for no reason get emotional, saying things like "Guys, it means so much us all being here together like this. Good friends hanging out, drinking beer, and watching football!" Then, he will demand a toast and say "To good friends!"

The Wannabe Scholar. There are several types of theseThe guy who is a new football fan but wants everyone to think he has been a fan for years, and he wants people to think he knows everything there is to know about football. Or, the guy who wants to impress a total stranger for no reason. For example, I have been in sports bars wearing my Miami Dolphins gear, and someone will come up to me and say something like "I used to be a big Miami fan when they had Dan Marino." But, they can't name another player from the Marino era. I hear that at least 5 times a season. I firmly believe that you pick a team and you stay with it regardless of how good/bad they are, or who is or isn't on the team. When someone tells me that they were a fan when Marino was there, I usually tell them that they were never a real fan to begin with.

An example of the other type of wannabe scholar is this: I lived in Clarksville, TN from 2000-2003. I would be in sports bars, and all these new Tennessee Titans fans wanted to impress everyone, and of course they all had been life long Houston Oilers fans. You ask them who their first black QB was, and they would always say Steve McNair. But they have NO idea who Warren Moon is.

 But the worst one of all talked to me during the week 1 game of the 2001 season. The Dolphins were playing the Titans in Nashville. Up until that point, the Baltimore Ravens were the only team who had ever beaten the Titans in that stadium. Miami was CRUSHING the Titans. Zach Thomas intercepted McNair, and ran it back for a touchdown, and did a flip into the end zone. One Titans fan tells me that the Titans would win because nobody wins in "The Delpher" (Adelphia Coliseum) except the Titans. I reminded him that the Ravens had done it twice. He then said that it was ok because the Super Bowl champions get a guaranteed spot in the playoffs. I said "Number one, that isn't true. Number 2, the Titans are NOT the Super Bowl champs!" He backed off. Another one, a guy came up to me, saying that he had been a Dolphins fan all his life, and it broke his heart when Ray Finkle missed that field goal in the Super Bowl. I told him to get away from me. Just be yourselves, people! Seriously! Its ok if you are a new fan, or if you don't have alot of knowledge. Nobody is going to think you are stupid...unless you are a wannabee scholar.

But the last type of wannabe scholar can be summed up with a picture, and needs no explanation.

Personally, I like the guy, but not as a football commentator.

The Bandwagon Fan. This guy always has brand new gear from the previous Super Bowl winner. He knows nothing about the history of the team. All he cares about is looking like a winner. That guy is usually a loser. I'm glad I'm not a band wagon fan. It would get really expensive replacing your gear every year. But, you see more band wagon fans in Basketball than anything else. How else can you explain why there were suddenly Oklahoma City fans all over the country, and how many Miami Heat fans outside Florida even know the lineup before Lebron James got there? NOTE: This pic obviously was taken long after this blog post. I used this one after the site crashed because it was the best bandwagon pic I have ever seen.

The Jerk. This guy is the greatest fan in the world. Nobody knows more about the team than he does, and if you try to call him on it, he will try to pick a fight with you. Although he will get into fights with the opponent's fans, he more often gets into fights with fans of his own team.

The Eternal Pessimist. The way he talks about his team, you'd swear his team was a division rival. He downs them constantly, when they make a good play, he swears it was luck because the QB was trying to throw the ball to someone else. The kicker could hit a field goal, and he would whine because it wasn't straight down the middle. These people are ZERO fun to watch a game with. I have told people to get away from me if they were going to talk like that. They ruin the experience, and they are a total buzz kill. Here's a rl he'd be really happy with:

Bad Cliche Guy. He will be watching a game with you, and say the dumbest and most worn out, over used lines of all time, and he will say it like he really means it and thought it up on his own. Things like "I guess they just don't want to win!" Yeah. The team huddled up and said "You know what, I really don't feel like winning today. Lets let the other guys have it!" That, or "Best in the league!" when an average player makes an average play. "Wow! That second string offensive lineman made a huge block! He is the best in the league, and he really needs more playing time. You can't teach things like that!" Maybe we should rename this fan "Wannabe Commentator."

So, watch out for these types of people. And if you're guilty of any of it, just stop doing it. Nobody will notice it, and you won't get any compliments, but your friends will appreciate it, and you will find that you have a better time watching football.

All this being said, I hope your team has a GREAT football season (unless you are a NY Jets, Buffalo Bills, or New England Patriots fan.) ;)


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