Friday, December 16, 2011

What if the events in A Christmas Story happened in this day and age?

You'll shoot your eye out!

A Christmas Story is a great classic Christmas film. Very well written and acted. You all know what it is about, so I won't get into the details about the film. I was thinking however, what would have happened if A Christmas Story had been released today? Or even, what would have happened if any of the events in the movie happened today in our warped reality of hypersensitive political correctness run amok?  1, the movie would have never been funded. 2, if it had, it would have been ripped to shreds by the PC Police. So, lets examine:

What if 'A Christmas Story' had been released or happened today?

Ralphie would have been sent to counseling for even wanting a BB gun, and would have been made to write a 1000 word essay on why guns are evil.

After the kid got his tongue stuck on the pole, the class would have been made to watch 'An Inconvenient Truth' to show the kids that they caused global warming due to the carbon footprint left as a result of the fire department and police department having to be called...And, the school would have been put on lockdown.

When the leg lamp was delivered, Ralphie and his brother would have been sat down, and told that their curiosity about sex was ok, and it was also ok to express themselves about it. They would have also been told that if they did not have feelings caused by the female leg, it was also ok, even they would have rather seen a man's leg.

The teacher, grading the papers would have been suspended with pay because the F's would have made the stupid kids feel inferior. She would not have been fired, because teachers unions don't allow teachers to be fired.

When they were buying a Christmas Tree, the ACLU would have showed up to file a lawsuit against the tree salesman for being insensitive to atheists  Muslims, etc for not calling it a 'holiday tree' Also, the adult Ralphie would have had a lawsuit filed against him for the stereotypical 'Arab Trader' remark.

After saying the F word, the punishments he listed would sure have listed water boarding. Not to mention, the government would have been called to take away Ralphie and arrest the parents for child abuse for the soap in the mouth...not to mention the kid who got spanked.

When Ralphie gave the teacher a fruit basket, the teacher would have either had him expelled, for inappropriate gift giving, or she would have had sex with him.

When the lamp was broken, and the father buried it, the environmentalists would have been there to fine him for burying plastic in the fragile ecosystem.

When Ralphie beat up the bully, the bully's parents would have sued Ralphie's parents, the school, as well as the parents of all the kids who watched the fight.

And, who can forget Santa offending all the ho's by saying "ho ho ho!"

And, not to mention that when he did shoot himself, the NRA would have been blamed for the accident, Red Ryder would have been sued for 3.5 million dollars.

So, tis the season to be PC. If it pisses you off like it does me, you can attack it like I do. Someone says "You have a happy holiday!" to you, just smile and say "You just killed an elf." and walk away. 

If you enjoyed this, send it to a friend who you think would enjoy it. If it pissed you off, GOOD! Send it to other people who would be offended by it. You all need to be offended.

Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas to all!


  1. Damn, sad but so true. I was JUST talking about this the other day. Couldn't have said it better myself.

  2. This will be a seasonal favorite on Facebook. lol